Mythical Interviews: God #2

GINX: Please welcome back…[glances at card] God.

GOD: *cough*

GINX: Fine… [staring at card] All hail the supreme creator of all things, the prime mover, from whence all of existence flows, and who certainly has no parents.

GOD: Hello, Ginx.

GINX: It was hard to get a hold of you the past couple weeks.

GOD: Well, you know… holidays.

GINX: What were your plans?

GOD: I went bear hunting with Sarah Palin.

GINX: Really?

GOD: Yeah. The Pope was pissed I wasn’t there to stop that crazy lady from tackling him.

GINX: Well, he seems fine. He’s a pretty robust pontiff.

GOD: All that exercise sure did wonders for the Hitler Youth.

GINX: Wow…

GOD: Come on, admit it. He’s in much better shape than Pope John Palsy.

GINX: Just… wow… I don’t remember you being this… jolly the last time I saw you.

GOD: Christmas tends to have that effect on me. I get drunk on the Christmas spirits. Loosen up a bit!

GINX: Interesting.

GOD: Hey, you know what?

GINX: No, what?

GOD: I got a question for you, Mister I-make-fun-of-God.

GINX: Shoot.

GOD: Why is it that atheists are more interested in religion than most religious people?

GINX: Maybe you have it backwards, and the more you know about religion, the more full of shit it appears to be.

GOD: Naw, I think it’s something else. I think you guys are looking for something.

GINX: Oh?

GOD: Like, if you keep digging through every single piece of esoteric theology that ever existed, maybe one day, at long last, you’ll find the proof you need to believe. That’s why you keep learning about religions even after you claim to disbelieve, yet keep immersing yourself in things you say anger you.

GINX: I don’t think so.

GOD: So why are you interviewing a being you claim doesn’t exist?

GINX: To get attention?

GOD: Yeah, you’re probably right.

GINX: Are you done? Because I have a few questions I wanted to get to.

GOD: Alright. Whatever.

GINX: Why do you need so much praise?

GOD: I don’t need it. You openly admitted attention is nice to have.

GINX: So, that’s one thing you have in common with us, a need to be recognized?

GOD: Recognition is a part of it, but I prefer it if you don’t struggle.

GINX: Struggle?

GOD: Never mind. Next question.

GINX: Okay… what are the limits of your powers?

GOD: Why would I tell you that?

GINX: Because I can smell the booze on your breathe from here?

GOD: Hmm… well, now that you mention it, there is one thing I wish I had power over: human action.

GINX: Interesting. So there is such a thing as free will?

GOD: Very much so. It’s quite a hassle getting people to do what I want them to do if they lack obedience.

GINX: Well, that’s good to know.

GOD: Don’t get me wrong. People will do what I tell them to do. The Bible is full of the stories of what happens when you ignore my will. I can be very… influential.

GINX: Any favorite examples?

GOD: I’d have to go with Jonah.

GINX: So, do what You say, or a giant fish will eat you?

GOD: Oh please, that isn’t how the story goes at all. The fish saved Jonah. Ginx, you know better than that.

GINX: Okay, so listen to what You say, or You’ll send a storm to destroy the boat you’re on, killing innocent people in the process?

GOD: There you go.

GINX: My mistake. What are your thoughts on Israel?

GOD: Considering the fact that I have not blessed their return with peace, what do you think?

GINX: So you oppose the nation of Israel?

GOD: No, I just wasn’t ready to give it back to them yet. Muslims are so much more… pious.

GINX: You like Muslims more than Jews?

GOD: I love all my people, you can’t ask the Father to choose which of His children He loves more. You’re trying to put words in my mouth, and I won’t say what you want me to say.

GINX: I’m not sure what you mean, but I’ll just move on.

GOD: Please do.

GINX: What about abortion?

GOD: What about it?

GINX: Well, many people on Earth claim you oppose it.

GOD: I do.

GINX: Really? Why?

GOD: I have no use for such immature souls.

GINX: So, it’s completely based on your utilitarian needs?

GOD: I suppose you could put it that way.

GINX: And what are those needs?

GOD: Let’s just say… pre-natal souls taste awful.

GINX: Wait, you eat our souls?!

GOD: Perhaps I’ve said too much…

GINX: Come on, admit it, you devour the souls of dead people.

GOD: Why wait until their dead? Have you heard of “Alzheimer’s,” or “vegetative comas?”

GINX: You know, I always suspected…

GOD: What tipped you off? All the “fishers of men” or “God’s Shepherd” stuff in the Bible?

GINX: Actually, it was the “become one with me in eternity” concept.

GOD: *laugh* Yeah, that was a good one.

GINX: Do you eat everyone’s soul, or just the souls of the religious?

GOD: I pick and choose. The rules I give the religious to live by are designed to make them taste better, but they so rarely follow them. I can count on the Mormons to give me a decent crop, Muslims too, but most Christians taste awful, especially around the holidays. Many of them are drunk and it gets me all tipsy.

GINX: Are you going to sober up and regret this interview?

GOD: Oh please, like anyone would take anything you have to say seriously.

GINX: You got me there.

GOD: Look, I have to go soon.

GINX: Okay, one more question.

GOD: I’m listening.

GINX: What’s the meaning of life?

GOD: The meaning of your life, or all life?

GINX: How about both?

GOD: I’ll give you one.

GINX: I suppose it’d be pretty selfish to ask about just mine, so tell me the meaning of all life.

GOD: To entertain me.

GINX: *sigh* Now I wish I had asked about my life.

GOD: Whose to say the answer is any different?

GINX: Well, thank you for taking the time during this busy holiday season. I hope you don’t get a hangover.

GOD: All of mankind ought to hope I don’t get one. Peace be unto you, my child.

GINX: Take it easy.