GINX: Since God was drunk during my last interview, I figured I’d contact the Greek god of drunkenness, Dionysus.
DIONYSUS: I am actually the god of wine and ecstatic ritual.
GINX: Is there a god of drunkenness?
DIONYSUS: Yeah, ever since Ted Kennedy showed up.
GINX: When gods drink, do they develop sense of humor?
DIONYSUS: When don’t we have a sense of humor? What did Yawā say when you talked to him?
DIONYSUS: You know, “God” with a capital G.
GINX: Oh… He actually turned the interview around and asked me questions.
DIONYSUS: How’d that go?
GINX: I’m a pretty boring person, so there wasn’t much to talk about.
DIONYSUS: Boring person? I doubt that… Let’s pull up your bio here… well this is interesting, it says you were born in misery.
GINX: It’s pronounced “Missouri.”
DIONYSUS: What’s the difference, really? Hmm… you moved to Rochester, Michigan. Hey, you went to the same grade school as Madonna.
GINX: Yeah, I know.
DIONYSUS: Boy, that school produced her and a stalwart atheist like you. Catholic schools ain’t what they used to be, let me tell you. Not too long ago, those places were full of ruler-wielding nuns. Now… well, I might send my incarnation to one. The skirts the girls wear…
GINX: Easy, tiger.
DIONYSUS: And it’s great how all the girls do anal.
DIONYSUS: You know, so they keep their virginity.
GINX: Alright, if we could just—
DIONYSUS: You’re not boring at all! Wow, you used to do –
GINX: Whoa whoa whoa, just that one time… for five months.
DIONYSUS: Uh huh.
GINX: I have got to learn to keep better control of my interviews.
DIONYSUS: Can’t you just edit this later?
GINX: And ruin the integrity?
DIONYSUS: True. Can’t tamper with divine inspiration. How are you doing this, by the way? Is your head in a hat like Joseph Smith?
GINX: I’m sitting at a computer.
DIONYSUS: That’s the problem with you modern people. There’s no… romanticism, no theatrics, no mystique. You lack a certain… joie de vivre.
GINX: I’m not a prophet, nor am I trying to start a religion.
DIONYSUS: So why do you talk to gods and write about it?
DIONYSUS: There’s nothing else you could be doing right now?
GINX: No, not really.
DIONYSUS: You could spend more time with your wife.
GINX: Yeah, I could…
DIONYSUS: Women are so needy.
GINX: I didn’t say that.
DIONYSUS: I know, but they are. They can’t help it. They don’t derive joy from being alone, the way men do. Most women like to be surrounded by people. Even worse, they want you to “take them out.” Nowhere in particular, just away from the home they make you fill at great expense with all their token knick-knacks and superfluous comforts like throw pillows and duvets.
GINX: I guess I’m just not that cynical about it. Besides, my wife doesn’t like going out that much. It’s just not fair because she gets to use her laptop while we watch TV, and my desktop computer is in the back room. So, when she puts on something to watch which is so incredibly mindless and boring that not even she has any interest in it, she just opens up her laptop and surfs the internet. And I rarely get to decide what we watch, otherwise I wouldn’t have missed the last three years of “Mythbusters.”
DIONYSUS: Oh no, the horrors of your life… if only you had been in Haiti and had a roof collapse on your head, ending it all.
GINX: You were the one who brought up women being irritating, I was just stating the one minor thing my wife does that I find annoying. I was trying to relate to you rather than think of you as petty.
DIONYSUS: Uh huh, try explaining that to her when she reads this.
GINX: She won’t.
DIONYSUS: Your own wife doesn’t read these?
GINX: These interviews are really Christo-centric anyway, and she was raised Jewish. I’m not even sure if she’d really enjoy these. She reads my other blog. She says she’s too busy to read this one.
DIONYSUS: Too busy not watching mindless sitcoms?
GINX: I’m not interested in pressuring her to read this.
DIONYSUS: Well sure, not now!
GINX: She wouldn’t even be angry about this
DIONYSUS: All women hate when you talk about a dispute you’re having in public. It’s just human nature.
GINX: You mean woman nature?
DIONYSUS: Men hate it too.
GINX: Choose your words more carefully, then.
DIONYSUS: What are you, the male feminist?
GINX: Well, I let this interview get completely out of hand again.
DIONYSUS: Was there something you planned to ask me?
GINX: I don’t even remember.
DIONYSUS: I tend to have that effect on people.
GINX: Hmm… okay, I know. God mentioned that He eats souls.
DIONYSUS: We all do, sort of. I don’t think of them as “souls,” I call them “psyches.” We consume them, so that nothing is left of most people after they die.
GINX: That seems kind of barbaric.
DIONYSUS: Well, what do you expect us to eat?
DIONYSUS: I’ve never heard of “Um,” does it taste good?
GINX: I don’t know, it just seems cruel.
DIONYSUS: Cruel would be letting you people live forever. As rotten as you people are, as awful as the things you do to each other… you ought to be eternally grateful that we devour the last vestiges of your imperfection after your bodily death.
GINX: But Ted Kennedy is still around?
DIONYSUS: That’s the hitch: you guys make gods all the time. We can’t eat those.
GINX: What about Hitler?
DIONYSUS: Yep, he’s up here.
GINX: You’re kidding me!
DIONYSUS: It’s not based on how good someone is, only their fame. Honestly, you have a better chance if you’re a true wretch on an epic scale. I think the last decent divine ascendency was Mother Teresa. And even then, Princess Diana showed up within like a week to sully that arrival.
GINX: So heaven is a collection of dead celebrities and tyrants?
DIONYSUS: More or less, but the tyrants keep mostly to themselves.
GINX: What about hell?
DIONYSUS: You’re in it.
GINX: You know… I always suspected we were reincarnated on Earth.
DIONYSUS: Sort of. It’s a little more complex. You think of yourself as a single being, which is only natural in your given state, but the truth is your body is like a glass and the eternal you is the water. Once the glass breaks, the water that filled the vessel of you disperses, never to be together as a whole again. Your “water” will come back, but in many different bodies… most of them not even human. You’ll probably never be yourself again.
GINX: Weird. So how do famous people avoid that?
DIONYSUS: Well… I guess to keep up the analogy… their water freezes, which allows it to keep shape. But that’s not exactly how it works. I’m not that good with analogies, honestly. This is all stuff I gleaned from listening to Plato and Socrates argue for millennia.
GINX: I appreciate the… revelation, as it were.
DIONYSUS: No problem. You should have me back sometime. No one ever talks to me sober anymore. This is the first conversation with a mortal I’ve had in centuries where they didn’t end up shouting or crying by the end of it. That or calling their ex-lover on the phone and making romantic promises they won’t even remember in the morning.
GINX: Yeah, I’m not a big fan of alcohol.
DIONYSUS: I can’t say I blame you.
GINX: Would you come back to do a panel discussion? I was thinking of getting all the gods who Satan is modeled after together to discuss evil.
DIONYSUS: And you think Satan is partially modeled after me? If anything, Christianity borrowed elements of my cult to use as their own. The only thing about me that is even remotely devilish are the satyrs that follow me and my merry band of revelers. And trust me, you don’t want to interview one of them. They truly are devils.
DIONYSUS: But that doesn’t mean I can’t be on the panel!
GINX: Well, I’ll figure something out.
DIONYSUS: Okay. It was nice talking to you, and even nicer to be recognized.
GINX: Actually I have one more question: Why do the gods have such low self-esteem?
DIONYSUS: What do you mean, like how we crave human attention?
DIONYSUS: Our very existence as gods depends upon human memory of us. If we are forgotten… we cease to exist.
GINX: So then why aren’t the gods actively trying to get our attention?
DIONYSUS: We really have no power in the world, only in the minds of mankind. We can only indirectly act in the world, and it must be through human beings… and occasionally animals. In this sense, we do expose our existence through the intangible human psyche. I think we’ve been quite successful at getting your attention, even if so many of you attribute all of it to Yawā.
GINX: Well, thank you for talking to me, I appreciate you taking the time.
DIONYSUS: Call on me whenever you wish. Don’t be a stranger.