Mythical Interviews: God’s Mom

GINX: Today, I’m interviewing God’s Mom. What can I call you besides “God’s Mom?”

GOD’S MOM: I’ve been called so many things. To be honest, it’s just nice to be recognized. You can call me anything you’d like.

GINX: You don’t have a favorite name?

GOD’S MOM: Well, I always liked Sophia. You can call me that.

GINX: Okay, Sophia. How would you describe yourself?

SOPHIA: I am Wisdom, the intangible abstraction of collective living knowledge.

GINX: So, you know everything humans know?

SOPHIA: In a way, I am everything humans know. Of course, not everything human’s know is even accurate, but I don’t think that’s what you were really asking. I know you didn’t seek me out to talk about my qualities.

GINX: Yeah, I really wanted to interview you in order to ask about God.

SOPHIA: What piece of information do you expect to extract from me to use against my child?

GINX: Look, I know you want to protect your son–

SOPHIA: Yahweh is not to blame. I made a mistake.

GINX: Gods make mistakes?

SOPHIA: I’ve made more mistakes than most people, of course I’ve had more time to make them. But Yahweh is innocent, nothing but a part of me, a Little Knowledge. I knew better, that a Little Knowledge is a dangerous thing. What’s worse, I kept him isolated for so long. But you have to understand, I was forbidden to have children of my own. I was forced to remain a virgin against my will. I had to keep my child hidden, even from my parents.

GINX: So, how did Yahweh come about?

SOPHIA: Emanation.

GINX: What is that?

SOPHIA: Autonomous creation. I created Yahweh all by myself.

GINX: Gods can do that?

SOPHIA: Sure, sometimes. Of course, there was that night when I got drunk with Hermes and woke up kind of sore.

GINX: What?!

SOPHIA: Regardless, I hid Yahweh on Earth, to avoid mocking from the other gods, for the sake of myself and my child.

GINX: Mocking?

SOPHIA: Yahweh is… special.

GINX: Special? Like Sarah Palin’s baby?

SOPHIA: No, special like Lady Gaga.

GINX: Wait, He’s blonde and can’t sing? Oh I see, He’s an attention whore.

SOPHIA: No, Yahweh is both male and female.

GINX: Hmm… I heard God had no gender.

SOPHIA: All the gods have gender, and it’s quite important. The men look down on the women, and the women look down on the men. There are very few gods like Yahweh. All the gods call Him ambisextrous behind His back. I use the masculine pronoun for Him because, well, a mother wants her child to be happy, and He wants to be a male.

GINX: Does Yahweh know you exist?

SOPHIA: Oh yes. He believes He created me. I believe it’s mentioned in Proverbs, Chapter 8.

GINX: So, if He thinks He created you, why did He get defensive when I mentioned His mother?

SOPHIA: He assumes you’ve been talking to the other gods. They have tried to tell Him the truth, but He ignores them.

GINX: Well, I haven’t talked to other gods.

SOPHIA: I know, but why don’t you?

GINX: No interest.

SOPHIA: And yet here you are.

GINX: Maybe another day. So Yahweh knows about other gods?

SOPHIA: Certainly. You’ve read the Bible, you know that dozens of other gods are mentioned. He just does not recognize their true nature, let alone their superiority.

GINX: What do you mean?

SOPHIA: I have obtained an oath from the other gods to never harm Him, but they have certainly introduced themselves… sometimes rudely. Yahweh is quite aware of their existence, He just believes He is the most powerful.

GINX: Is He?

SOPHIA: In a way… in the sense that no one can harm Him.

GINX: One other thing I want to ask before I let you get back to… whatever gods do.

SOPHIA: Gardening, mostly. After all, only gods can create a tree.

GINX: Right… My final question: did Yahweh create the universe, the Earth, or life?

SOPHIA: No, no, and no.

Ginx. Care to elaborate?

SOPHIA: What is there to elaborate? In the beginning, there was fire. Yahweh did not come around until water had settled on the planet Earth. He believes that is the state of the universe without Him. He only believes the universe is a couple thousand years old, because that’s how old He is. He has no concept of existence outside of himself. By divine standards, He is a mere child barely out of infancy. He hasn’t even left the Earth.

GINX: Well, Sophia, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

SOPHIA: It was my pleasure. I have to run, anyway. I need to be mistaken for the Virgin Mary on a burnt piece of toast in Tennessee before dinner.

Mythical Interviews: God #1

GINX: I’m here today with God, in the first of a series of interviews I have planned. My first guest is someone I hope to have back again many times—

GOD: I know how many.

GINX: Well of course you do. It’s contingent on how many times you agree to talk to me.

GOD: I am always with you, always listening.

GINX: So I hear. Kind of creepy... but that’s sort of why I feel qualified to do the interview—

GOD: Even though you’re an atheist?

GINX: I’m not going to interrupt you, don’t interrupt me.

[uncomfortable silence]

GINX: Okay, I’ll just start with the questions.

GOD: Ask away, my child.

GINX: You can stop being a stereotype at any minute, by the way. So, do I call you God or Yahweh or what?

GOD: You can call me the Infinite, the Prime Mover, He who is, the Source, the Light, tickler of Evil—

GINX: The tickler of Evil?

GOD: It sounds better in Sanskrit.

GINX: Okay, sorry to interject there. I’m just going to call you God.

GOD: As you wish.

GINX: God, where do you come from?

GOD: I exist outside of time.

GINX: Alright... but what’s your back story? Who are your parents?

GOD: I am He from whom all things emanate. I am the alpha and the omega.

GINX: What are those, multivitamins?

GOD: They’re the first and last letter of the Greek alphabet, and you know that. Quit trying to be a smart ass.

GINX: Okay, let me put this a different way... what is your earliest memory?

GOD: What?

GINX: What’s the first thing you remember?

GOD: Well... Nothing. I can remember Nothing.

GINX: You have no memory?

GOD: No, I’m saying I remember when there was not a single thing in existence.

GINX: Nothing at all, except you.

GOD: Correct.

GINX: That’s the first thing you remember, opening your eyes and there was nothing?

GOD: I don’t have eyes.

GINX: You’re ducking the question. You don’t remember being born or how you came about?

GOD: I am the first thing to exist.

GINX: God, I’ll tell you what I think.

GOD: I know what you think.

GINX: How mystical of you. I think you were abandoned at birth—

GOD: Nope.

GINX: —and that your stance on child abandonment, and subsequently your views on abortion —

GOD: No, no, no...

GINX: —are a form of Jungian projection.

GOD: That’s completely false.

GINX: Oh, really?

GOD: Yes.

GINX: What if I told you I’ve been in contact with your mother—

GOD: You didn’t!

GINX: Join us for our next installment of Mythical Interviews—

GOD: Don’t you dare!

GINX: —when I interview God’s mom. Was God a good little deity, or a terror of Biblical proportions?